There was some great Music in the charts of the 1980s however
there was also some very poor pop, Cheesy tunes and rubbish records produced just to
make money. Also some sickly stuff like Kylie and
Jason's especially for you or Glenn Medeiros nothings going
to change my love, has dated terribly. However not everything that is bad makes it into our what not to play list as these records
were often used as Wedding first dance records, and will
hold special memories for some. Other really, really naff stuff, like Aggado,
stars on 45, and charity records also escape because as these
tunes were "of the moment" and at the time were
just a bit of fun, designed to get people on the dance floor.
Poorly put together Charity records were in reaction to an emergency and a way
to motivate people to make a contribution to a good cause.
The cause is good even if the record is rubbish. For us
the worst music is always gong to be the novelty record.
These records may tell a funny story that's not so funny
after hearing it for the tenth time. These are records a
DJ has to waste money on, and after a week or two will get
on every ones nerves, novelty records make up most of our
worst of the 80s selection. We do include a couple of stars
on 45 spin offs because these tunes overworked the formula
and there are limits.
We hope not to offend anyone who may like
these tunes, so our reasons are given why these
records are "What not to play at a 80's party ."
In no particular order here is a list of tunes an 80's
music DJ should avoid.
What not to play at an 80's party
Laurie Anderson's - O superman
This was a very strange mix of talking and not much music,
its difficult to understand why this tune got so high in the
charts. In fact it peaked at number two in the charts but there is no dance value in this and it was really boring. Super boring man.
The Brat - Chalk dust
In reaction to one of John Maceroes famous tennis tantrums
when he exclaimed "I don't believe it, I saw Chalk dust". We cant believe it either.
Joe Dolce - Shaddap you Face
This was one of the two records
that kept Vienna by Ultrovox from hitting the top spot.
The Tweets - Birdie song
Grans of the world unite. When this record was in the charts
(about 1981) It was a sure fire floor filling smash for
the 70 something's, so if you book Pro Mobile Disco for your 100th birthday
party we will be sure to bring it to the party. Although this tune still has some popularity in the USA where it is know as the Chicken Dance, in the UK by 1982 only deaf people would be glad hear it.
Paul McCartney - Frog song
Its a blessing Sir Paul didn't include this in his set for the London Olympic opening ceremony. This track was also called We all stand together, no sit down,
lie down and fall asleep to this one. In any case its terrible.
Spitting image - Chicken song
Really this should be excused on the grounds its simply
highlighting the fact that
- Novelty records are Rubbish
- Novelty records take five minutes to make, and are pointless
beyond the fact they exploit the record buying public
- People who buy them are stupid
Yes we did buy this record, the extended 12 inch with a
remix on the b side. However at the time it was number one
in the charts DJ Jim remembers getting a request for it, and it
caused a dance floor walk off.
Black Lace - Superman
We quite liked
Aggado as this is quite a catchy tune and one morning DJ Jim did a slot on breakfast TV playing this for dads doing dodgy disco dancing. Black Lace are responsible for a kids party classic 'Do The Conga' which Pro mobile disco will sometimes play at School Discos. Super man on the other hand is slow
and with a silly boring party dance routine, it will
work well on that 100th birthday party if nobody wants to
Minder - What are we gonna get er indoors
Forget singing the theme tune, Arthur and Terry should
have also stayed indoors, This was a very lame Christmas
record, in an attempt to cash in the huge success of 80's
tv show Minder. Er indoors would not have been happy to
get this festive flop from Gorge Cole and Dennis Waterman
The Firm - Arthur Daleys (e's alright)
This novelty record played on the popularity of TV show
Minder which was a massive hit for ITV in the early to mid
80's. The gullible record buying public deserves no mercy,
to let this get into the charts, we must have been minder
The Firm Star trekking
Building on their earlier classic works, Star Trekkin got to number One in the charts in 1987. Based on the brilliant
Star Trek series, this may have made it to number one in the charts and been called a party record, but
not as we know it.
St Winifreds School choir - There's no one
quite like Grandma
Perhaps they where trying to kill her off
by boring her to death, sick bag on stand by, Sorry Gran
that 100th we been talking about, I'll play it then and not
Wonder Dog - Ruff mix
A record producer discovered how to add samples to a backing
track and the sample he choose was that of a dog barking
to the beat.We must have been barking mad to buy this one.
As bad as what the dog turns his dinner into. Simon Cowell
dressed up as wonderdog for TV interviews which he must now regret, less X factor
and more shXt factor. Check out the cringe worthy interview Simon does dressed as wonder dog on YouTube.
Rory Bremner - N-n-n-n-nineteen Not Out
This was a tune we steered clear of and don't think I bought
was a spoof of Paul Hardcastles vietnam war record 19 and was about
cricket. For that 100th birthday party we can change the lyrics again, N-n-n-n-n-Ninety Nine Not out.
Morris Minor and the MG's - Stutter rap
Very politically incorrect comedy record, a spoof of the
VW badge wearing Beastie boys, comedian Tony Hawks
was involved in this one. In many ways the Beastie boys deserved to be lampooned as they started a craze that meant every volkswagen driver in the land became sick of getting their car emblems nicked.
Roland rat - Rat Rap
Saved TV Am but this didn't stop him punishing us by making
several songs, can only remember this one.
Kenny Everate - Snot rap
Kenny was great, very funny and at the time we may even
have like this tune(for about 5 minutes).
Harry Enfield - Loads of money
Look at my wad, at the time we the loved the Loads of money
character who was very funny, but now regret swelling Mr Enfield's wad with more dosh by buying this tosh.
Fred Wedlock - Oldest swinger in town
DJ Jim did
a bowling club party back in about 1982, and everyone seemed
to to be of very senior years, they were dancing to some
disco music when he made the mistake of playing this. Some
bloke of about 75 came over and threaten to punch Jim in
the face if I took the micky again, at the time not even the old folk liked this one.
Keith Harris plus Orville - Orville's song
Yuck. Sorry but Orville defiantly laid a rotten egg.
Toy dolls - Nellie the elephant
We have a recollection the Toy dolls were a punk band, and
just made this to pay the bills. If that was the case then
good luck to them. It worked for about two weeks before
the shine of novelty wore thin and this tune would never
work in an 80's party today.
Mc Mike - Holiday rap
The original wedding party track Holiday was a good enough tune, if it needed a rap in it
Mike should ave given the mic back to Madonna.
Pump up the bitter - Stars on 45 (pints)
Like most of these records Pro Mobile Disco would have bought it at the
time but never actually played it so cant remembered much
about it, except it was a spoof of the novelty format stars
on 45. I know Chas and Dave also did a similar spoof ie
stars over 45 which is not included in our list of the worst 80s music, but Chas and Dave
have never taken themselves seriously. They are just good old boys out to
enjoy themselves and so should we. Pump up the bitter however,
was a play on a 1987 number one record M.A.RS pump up the
volume which it self started life as the B side to the far
superior Cybils my love is guaranteed. Also it was released
about 5 or 6 years after the stars on 45 series and was
no longer relevant. Its a worn out spoof of a b side, how
low can you go.
Happy Talk - Captain Sensible
Happy Talk was a show tune taken from south pacific and a
number one back in 1982. It was sailed to the top of the charts by Captain sensible, formerly
the drummer from the Dammed. Maybe he was doing his own
thing, making a few quid and the joke was on us. I remember
this tune entered the charts at around 33, and radio one
DJ Dave Lee Travis said how much he loved it, and next week
it was at number one. No 70's punk rocker should ever have
been reduced to playing Rogers and Hamerstein and
getting recommended by DLT. Recently Jim was the DJ and compare at a large open air 80s revival and I shared the stage with the good Captain. Captain Sensible is a smashing chap so Happy talk almost escapes our cheesy tunes of the 80s list. Almost.
Neil - hole in my shoe
Young ones, great. Soppy Neil as a singer sorry no. I can
excuse him and rest of the young ones gang doing Living
doll with Sir Cliff, because it was for Charity (imaging
Smash and nicey saying that). But Hole in My shoe and the
follow up single (which was about a white Bicycle) was just an attempt to trade in on the
stupid record buying publics insatiable demand for novelty
Camouflage - Stan Ridgway
I am not sure if this was really for real. Strangely this
tune worked in so many ways, catchy and with reasonable
production however it was just the odd subject matter that
I didn't understand, A marine caught in a barrage saved
by a solider called camouflage, who it seems was also a ghost. Odd.
Anita Dobson - Any one can fall in love
She may be married to that PHD Star gazing guitarist from
Queen but Angie should have stayed behind the bar at the
Queen Vic and never dreamt of doing the the Eastenders theme
tune to music. Any one can fall in Love well Den didn't think
that way and certainly not to this tune.
Lulu - Shout
The original 1965 lulu recording of this record, made
when Lulu was about 15 years old is a masterpiece and the DJ will often play this at parties and family celebrations. In 1986
someone said lets re-record shout and jazz it up a bit,
80's style. Its Naff, Lame and made the original unplayable
for about 5 years.
Frankie goes to hollywood - Rage hard
Its only on this list because my local record shop actually
gave away copies of this record to help it chart. After
the unbelievable success of their previous work it was a
desperate attempt to stop the evitable fall into chart obscurity.
If they didn't manage to get all the way to Hollywood, Frankie
should have gone home gracefully.
Royal Philharmonic Orchestra - Hooked on
A load of classical music samples were strung together
with a backing dance beat. At the time there were several such tunes about including stars on 45 and back to the sixties by Tight Fit, but this pushed the format too far. When it was played on top of the pops, the Teenaged audience danced their little socks off. Now classical music is great but teenagers bopping to Beethoven when its not the last night of the proms is just not right. We had to be brahms and liszt to buy this one.
Jive Bunny - Everything by Jive Bunny
Stars on 45 rip off merchants which was bad enough but jive bunny took the format to a new low. Its unfortunate that medley records have been around since year dot and we have some of these records that predate stars on 45 by a long way. The bad news is we can be sure this
format will at some point be back in vogue and in the UK charts again.